Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Feeling low today.

Today morning saw a mob outside Debenhams unlike any other. People being trampled and injured, crying and smiling, flashes lighting and people screaming out only one word- Kim.
That's right. Kim Kardashian was in Oxford Streets Debenhams today promoting her new fragrance.
What should have ideally been one of the most memorable days of my life quickly took a turn for the worse.
Don't get me wrong. I can't fault Kim on anything here. She came in and did what she had to, and left. And to have been in her presence was gratifying enough.
For me though, things came to mind. Stuff I'd been struggling with for a while now. And oddly, of all the places, it hit me the second Kim Kardashian walked into the room.
I'd been struggling with my identity. Since I was in my early teens I have been trying to figure out who I really am and where I really belong because I have friends from every kind of social groups and as much as I love them and enjoy their company, I feel like the hippie ones probably smoke too much pot, the shopping kinds spend way too much money, the clubbing kinds go clubbing way too often and then there are those who just like to sit at home and do nothing except talk over a glass of wine. I like that, I do. But I want more for me.
I'm currently studying in London. My parents pay for everything from my tuition fees to accommodation to my expenses. And I feel sick to my stomach about it. I'm terrible at managing my expenses and I cant handle the pressure anymore. I went into Selfridges today and saw a Dries Van Noten top and a Jil Sander top both for under a 100 quid, combined but I couldn't buy either only because I knew I'd run out of money eventually and that I'd need the money later. I'm sick of feeling under pressure. Feeling like I can't be myself. Feeling like I'm a constant source of let down for my family. I'm turning 21 this year and haven't achieved anything I've desired to. I know nothing comes on a silver platter. But the first step is getting a damn job and apparently no one wants to hire me. So how do you think that makes me feel, really? I can't wait to start earning my own money and being responsible for my own stuff. My own life!
Today seeing people crying after meeting Kim only made me realize how bad I want that, for myself. I want people screaming my name, begging for me to wave to them and jumping over barriers trying to get a glimpse of me. Does that make me superficial? Does that make me stupid? Am I dreaming the impossible? Am I just naive? Am I being childish? NO.
I come from a social life most can only dream of. Now, I'm not sipping on champagne on the back of my fathers limo (it's normally just wine. Just kidding) or even attend fancy socialit-ey events. No. I have my circle of friends who love and adore me and the plus side is that they all dress well. :) So they look good at any given time of the day. Hah. But as a child, I never had that. The horrible horrible school I grew up in for most of my childhood never respected me and well, I struggled every day to fit in, to find myself a friend circle I could associate myself with. Don't get me wrong. I had 2 best friends in that school too. But from the teachers telling my parents I'm a failure and won't be getting anywhere in life to my peers vetoing me out of any social gathering, My self esteem only got lower. From how I felt about my personality to how I felt about my looks. And each day I walked into that school, it only got worse. Until of course, I shifted to a better more accepting school. Sure I got bullied there too but I found some of the most amazing people I know today. My art teacher included. She gave me strength and courage to look beyond what I knew. To explore, and be happy with who I am. Unfortunately, that is impossible since I find myself to be repelling in every way. My art teacher was the only one who ever told my parents that they ought to be proud of me. Which always brought my mother to tears. She is a phenomenal woman and if it weren't for her, I'd probably have hung myself by the time graduation night from school approached.

I have a dream. I want people to scream my name, beg me to wave at them, I want people to talk about me in positive light. I want people to know and appreciate my contribution to humanitarianism, animal rights and fashion alike. I want people to love what I wear and imitate me, I want people to get weak in the knees when they see me, I want people to respect me and want to know more about me (with me of course, still living my life privately) And then I want all those idiots who ever picked on me to brag about being in the same school as me while I pay no attention to them. I want to take my mother, father and sister on the red carpet where I receive my award for contribution to the fashion industry. I want my friends to be proud of making the right decision of sticking by me, I want to never ever have to worry about anything being too expensive because I want the finer things in life (No, not caviar) I want to get ma Gucci awn. I want people to take interest in what I'm doing. I want to inspire people to dream as big as I do and never give up. I want people to know that life will never be easy asa kid but what you make of yourself when you grow up is all that matters. I want to put an end to bullying, animal cruelty and embroidered denim. (Figured I'd throw that one in there casually) Now tell me, do you think I can do it?
Because on days like these, I succumb to my low self esteem issues and start believing I'd never be able to approach my dreams in any manner.
I look at what Kim Kardashian has established for herself. I want that. I want it all. Not from her. But build it on my own terms. I was in awe of how crazy people were over seeing her. THAT, is respect earned. And she did it. she did it well.
But to be honest though, I hate that I'm 20 and haven't achieved anything on my list of things to achieve by the time I'm 20. :\
I feel like I'm getting older and not getting anywhere in life. I want to stop using my parents money and earn my own. I guess everything has its own time. I'll have my own. It will happen soon and you'll know who I am. But you won't know anything about me. That's the beauty of it all.

Have a good day everyone! (Except for the idiots I worked with on a shoot who threw me under the bus- you guys can rot in hell for all I care! :) Just sayin). Dream big, never stop and always work towards it. Life is short and you need to live it every second of the day. Hopefully yaw'l are having a better day than I am. But I'm just happy I finally got to see my own style icon in real life. This is huge. I'm very happy. And one day, I'll be her stylist. Or something like that. It'll be awesome.

See you on the other side!


  1. God, this is intense. But you'll get there. Just be grateful for your life and your dreams and realize you have to work for it, and they'll come true!

    And don't get it twisted, you're only twenty! You have a lifetime of being succesfull ahead of you :)

    P.S. Don't wanna bring you down 'cause I know you love Kim and all - and I do too! Just a little less than you do - but that outfit was NOT CUTE, I saw close-ups and she barely fit in it.

  2. Why thank you Niya. That was very nice of you.
    Yes, I was left a little disappointed by that look. But it's okay. I think we all one of those off days.

    Thanks a lot! :)